Body shape and idealisation

The image I hold of myself is not purely dictated by the image in the mirror. It is influenced by Instagram, by magazines, by TV, by music, by those around me and by societal conditioning that has brainwashed me since the day I was born. I condemn society and media for manipulating me, telling me I'm not fair enough, slim enough, that I will never be enough. I was not born hating myself. I was not born with the desire to starve myself. I was not born hating my skin colour. I was born innocent. 

I have been taught that fat is disgusting, bones are desirable. I have been taught that pain is beauty, vanity is ugly. I have been taught that my body is does not belong to me. For, if it did belong to me, I would not have starved myself, I would not have spent hours staring at my flaws, I would never have thought about how I am disgusting and DESERVE to suffer for how awful I am. If my body belonged to me, my self-worth wouldn't be tied up in my weight and in food and everyone else's opinions. If my body belonged to me, I may have loved myself. 

But I don't. Society has laid claim to my self worth and my image of myself; it refuses to let me forget that. It refuses to let me forget that a girl is a prude if she doesn't want sex but a whore if she enjoys it. It refuses to let me forget that boys will be boys but girls must be poised. Girls must not do this, must not do that, girls will be horrifically violated and abused if they do not follow society's rules - it is the natural way of life, a society built on hypocrisy and lies. 

The perception I hold of my body is warped, it is filtered through society's lenses first, I can never reach the unaltered picture. The language that is used to describe ourselves is ablest, sexist and racist as evidenced by the fact that looking 'healthy' is a compliment and the term fair is equivalent to beautiful. We are a society that thrives on encouraging eating disorders in children, yet we refuse to take responsibility for it and offer help to those suffering. 

Recovery is difficult. It feels like a battle while survival feels like an endless war. The concept of fighting yourself in order to love yourself seems ridiculous. But, the thoughts that tell me that I am not good enough are not my own. They are borne of something that I cannot control, the media around me and the society that has raised me - I am a product of this undeniably. I cannot forget what society has taught me. But I will try to learn from it. I will try to remember that my body deserves love, that my appearance does not define me, that weight does not control your self worth. My happiness is worth more than pleasing a society which does not accept me as I am.